“Boomer” Winfrey
Varmint County Correspondent

We don’t get many scandals in the courthouse here in Varmint County, possibly because what folks in other parts of the country would call scandalous, we just take as routine monkey business.     

Such things as the time that Sheriff Smoky forced a dozen of his jailhouse trusties to dress up as Yankee soldiers during a re-enactment of the Battle of McCracken’s Nose were simply swept under the rug.

The trusties, as you might recall, were forced to form a battle line out where some charges had been planted to simulate cannon fire exploding, but Cleo McQue used too much dynamite, McCracken’s Nose cracked and tumbled off the side of the mountain and the trusties vanished.

The Sheriff reported that they had all escaped in the confusion, but nobody ever had the heart to remove the large boulder that rolled down the mountain and remains planted in that field to this day. Locals simply re-named the mountain “McCracken’s Neck” and let it go at that.Road Superintendent J. T. “Pothole” Perkins lost his bid for re-election some years back because of some scandalous goings-on involving his son, Peavy. The younger Perkins was stealing cars over in Burrville when it appeared the law was closing in on his operation. He hauled several stripped-down chassis up to his pop’s rock quarry one night and tried to run them through the crusher to obliterate the evidence.Unfortunately, Peavy forgot to drain the gas tanks.

The resulting explosion could be heard in the next state and the county’s rock crusher was vaporized, but Peavy did a good job of destroying evidence. He was never charged in the car theft investigation. Voters, however, convicted the father of incompetence during the next election, which Pothole lost to Poagie Stonecipher by a vote of 3,217 to 43.Proving that voters’ memories are short, fast forward nearly 20 years to our last election, where Varmint Countians elected Peavy Perkins as their new Road Superintendent. Coming as a surprise to some, Peavy has not only done a decent job of running the Highway Department, but has managed to pave roads that had never been paved before.

Peavy appeared before the county commission two years ago and informed the squires that he only had enough money in his budget to re-pave about five miles of county roads each year. “We got 400 miles of county roads. At that rate, you can expect the road outside your front door to get paved once every 80 years,” Peavy announced.

The squires were not impressed. They refused to raise property taxes to give the Highway Department more asphalt and instead placed a sales tax increase on the ballot for a public referendum. As you are probably aware, the public seldom votes to tax itself. Typical of the public reaction to this referendum was the comment from Gomer Tibbs, who has been to every county commission meeting over the past year, pestering squires to pave Stinking Creek Road. A reporter from the War Whoop & Exterminator asked Gomer if he would vote for the sales tax.“No way. We’re taxed enough already. Hail, the potholes up on my road are so deep now that they’s got people living in them,” Gomer quipped. “Maybe the county should charge ’em rent to pay for the paving.

”Predictably, the sales tax was voted down 3-1 and Peavy was left wondering how he could improve enough roads to get re-elected.

“I guess I’ll just have to cut a few corners here and there and find a way to pay for asphalt,” Peavy told County Mayor Clyde Filstrup Junior. During the next year, Peavy Perkins managed to perform miracles with his limited road budget.

He paved the whole 23-mile stretch of Stinking Creek Road, nine miles of Whistle Creek Road, up far enough to take care of two-thirds of Whistle Creek’s voters, and even paved the first four miles leading into Haig Hollow.He would have paved more of Haig Hollow Road, but a group of heavily-armed Haigs blocked his road crew, warning that they had come far enough. “We’ve got our own equipment and take care of our own roads from this point on,” Elijah Haig told Peavy. “Only Haigs are allowed up this way unless you’re invited.

”Peavy also managed to pave a few driveways here and there, usually belonging to clan patriarchs or other individuals with influence over how their kin vote. Everyone was talking about what a good job Peavy Perkins was doing with such limited resources.“Usually, when something’s too good to be true, it is,” Doc Filstrup sagely remarked when the subject of the Highway Department came up at his weekly poker game. “Has anyone wondered how Peavy has managed to pay the bills on all this paving that’s going on?”

“I suspect he’s getting the asphalt from somebody on credit. Probably figures he’ll worry about paying the bills after he’s re-elected and if he’s not re-elected, it won’t be his problem,” retired County Judge Hugh Ray Jass laughed.

“No, I asked around. Peavy paid Burrville Construction Company a hundred thousand bucks for that load of blacktop that went on Whistle Creek Road and Caleb Hockmeyer’s driveway. How could he afford that and still make his payroll?” Doc replied.

Well, you might get your answer sooner than you think. I just got a call this afternoon from the state Bureau of Investigation. They are requesting a search warrant for the county garage, going to come up in the morning to execute the warrant,” Judge Hard Time Harwell added.By the next afternoon, everyone in Varmint County knew how Peavy Perkins had managed to do such a good job of paving roads and running his department on limited resources.

Inside the county garage, agents found seven pick-up trucks, a 2011 BMW, a road grader, a Winnebago motor home and an eighteen-wheeler filled with x-rated DVDs, all reported stolen across three states in the last week.Peavy Perkins is currently residing, along with his garage foreman and six road department employees, in Sheriff Hiram Potts’ jail, waiting for Judge Harwell to set bail. The Varmint County Highway Department, it appears, was operating a car theft ring and using the county garage as a chop shop.

“Look’s like the end of Peavy Perkins’ short political career, gentlemen. Between this fiasco and the affair years ago involving the rock crusher explosion, he will never be able to show his face in Varmint County again,” Judge Harwell proclaimed.“Don’t be so sure about that, Judge. Peavy shared some of the profits with his employees, but instead of pocketing the rest, he put it in the Highway Department budget to pay for asphalt. A lot of voters might think that he had the public’s interest at heart, if he ever gets out of jail and runs for office again,” Doc added with a grin.

“Yeah, I heard some of the wags down at Smiley’s Tobacco Emporium & Pool Hall talking about it this afternoon,” Archie Aslinger cut in. “My cousin Stanley says it looks like Varmint County was runnin’ an officially-sanctioned criminal enterprise to pave the roads and he suspects everybody from the Sheriff to the County Mayor was in on it.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Clyde Junior, who happens to be the County Mayor, protested. “I had no idea what was going on at the county garage.”

“You’ll have your chance to convince voters of that come the next election, Junior,” Doc observed. “Shoot, since none of the stolen vehicles belonged to Varmint County voters, you might be better off taking credit for it.”